When I’m older I don’t want to forget the mistakes that I’m making now. I want to make better decisions and not repeat the old mistakes but I want to remember them, I want to remember how I viewed the world in my younger days. So that I can properly relate to the kids, preteens, teens and young twenty somethings, basically all of those younger than me without the my new found wisdom blocking my memory.
This post is just to say that like so many other people my age my future is a great weight on me right now. Th habits that I have now will impact my life and the quality of my life essentially for the rest of my life. I’m identifying with everyone who thinks that they aren’t doing enough, that they’re behind or too far ahead.
Basically I’m scared. I’m trying to make my short term decisions and goals help me arrive at my long term goals and maybe I am doing that but right now there is no way of knowing and that’s unsettling. To achieve my long term goal (which used to be just ‘long term’ but its actually more like ‘very long term goal’) I have to do so many other things first. I have to spend so much money on all of these different things first before I can arrive at that goal. I din’t feel a sense of entitlement but I wish people were more considerate with pricing things, like (yeah, I joining the hoards with this one) university tuition! Why is it so high? Then, why am I paying almost as much as my outrageous tuition to live in a 9×13 foot room that I have to share with someone and my bathroom is down the hall? Oh yeah, since you absolutely need to have at least a first degree (equivalent to a high school diploma) to have any ambition of achieving anything in the ‘real world’ they can do that.
Also, are we actually all sick and can be given some sort of label and medication to make us ‘normal’ or is it just a scheme.
What if I don’t end up getting married? What if I go to uni then back out right before graduating? What if I finish but don’t get hired or anything of the sorts and can’t start moving forward?
I don’t know what will happen and with my life right now I can’t tell you what I’ll be doing next week.
But, I have a plan:
-I’m going to keep working hard towards all of my goals and not be terribly harsh on myself when I make a mistake or screw up really badly, I’m going to take it as a lesson and keep moving because anytime I stay down for too long I get stuck.
-Above all, I’m going to remember that ALL things are meaningless. I’ve got about seventy or so years here and of all of the wonderful experiences that I have no one will remember anything the way I did. I would cease to exist and I won’t matter. I’m focused on an eternity in a greater place.
I’m a great over thinker and it’s some of the best words that I’ve ever read, I believe that its from the Song of Samuel in the bible and knowing and remembering that helps me to stop playing over conversations in my head or to worry too much because in a few years it would not matter.
Que sera sera!