This isn’t the post that I’ve been working on, it is in quite another direction entirely and I promise that the future post will be on a less melancholy, more uplifting note. Tonight however, I fell the need to address suicide. While it may seem like I’m just jumping on the Robbin William’s bandwagon, I’m actually not. However, if I said that it hasn’t slightly inspired tonight’s post I’d be a liar.
Apparently most/many people have never considered suicide, most have never planned it or even given it a serious thought. I did not know this until about two days ago. I was shocked, then I had an epiphany followed by overwhelming embarrassment. I mean, how can I not know something like that. But when it is your reality I suppose you have an excuse to not know better, or for my sake hopefully you do.
Secondly, why is something that helps to heal looked down upon so intensely. No one hates on people who take Panadol for headaches, or Midol for cramps but the second someone hears that you go to therapy the scrutiny begins. Assumptions are made and clearly, this is no person to be around because they can’t control themselves, hell they can’t even get themselves together how is this ‘batshit crazy’ person going to be of any purpose in my life? Well, I’ll let you in on something, I actually am beneficial to your life, I help you up when you’re down, I remind you that you’re beautiful when the world has made you believe you were ugly. When you made a bad choice and was down on yourself I was there to show you the upside: this was a learning opportunity, you messed up but you could move forward, you could use your scars- as ugly as they may be- to be your daily reminders and lectures to give you guidance. I did this for you every waking day, you have always relied upon me because I could light up a room or would purposely be the butt of every joke just to see your spirit lifted.
Unfortunately, you couldn’t do the same for me. I knew better than to tell any of you how I felt when after the first time it was as if I gutted my soul out to a brick wall. Cliche after cliche, then back to your problems. Because I was there helping everyone I pushed the darkness that I felt further and further away from the surface, simultaneously deeper and deeper into my soul. Then it reached my core and took control. You see no one questions you if you’re always happy, no one dares to look deeper, of those who can see through this facade most refuse to admit that its true. You see, I’d love to respond to you honestly when you ask me how I am but now that it has been about a thousand times since you’ve asked but continued talking I know to offer a quick “I’m good” or “fine” or “as good as ever” because it doesn’t actually matter, your life is much more exciting than finding out how my day really was. Then the more I looked was the faster that I realized that I had no where to go, no one to talk to. You see, when I told you I need to “see someone” you brushed it off. When I didn’t reply to your questions you didn’t take it into consideration. That is what happens when you want to believe that someone is a lot better than they actually are. Maybe we should stop writing quotes about the happiest people being the saddest people and instead look for the happiest people in our lives and look at them as an individual beyond your rock, look for their cracks, look for their brokenness, I assure that it’s there.
This is a thank you note though, I’m not here to call you out anymore than I already have. I want to thank you, you know who you are, there are a few ‘you’s, you’re few and far between but I know that you’re there. Even though a few of you are no longer in my life and haven’t been for years you still deserve to be thanked. Here’s a thank you note because when it was four am and I spent the last three, four, five, six hours sobbing into a pillow, hating myself, hating my being for simply existing. Hating that I was a beautiful ranch home on the outside but a pitiful outer city slum on the inside. Thanks for letting me cry to you words that made no sense, thanks for reminding me that the sun would rise in the morning, thanks for keeping me from driving my self to a breaking point, thanks for hugging me while I banged my head into a wall. Thanks for seeing beyond my smile, thanks for telling me the truth, thanks for being honest to me, thanks for being one in a million although you’re realistically like one in about 50,000 because I don’t think I’ve met a million people but to me you definitely feel like one in a million. Thanks for asking how I ‘really’ was, thanks for showing me up when I gave one of my standard ‘I’m fine’ responses when they were in fact the furthest things from the truth. Thanks for bearing with me when I needed to talk but then was to embarrassed to expose weakness and instead wasted your time. Thanks for being funny, thanks for not using me when I was vulnerable, thanks for telling me that I didn’t have to be happy all of the time because believe it or not, I would have never known. Thanks for telling me that it’s okay to not be okay because honestly knowing that I wasn’t just made me feel worse. Thanks for showing me to someone greater. Mostly though, thanks for loving me when I had no idea how to begin loving myself, thanks for loving me when you had no reason to.
There are somethings that we must accept, somethings that might never change, or may take so long to change that you wouldn’t really be sure when the change actually took place. Emotionally I feel as if I’ve been halfway to hell and back at least thirteen times, I didn’t always have a you there but I made it through. Surely I know that I’d always be this way and honestly it’s a fair trade if you think of it, 80% of the time I’m on a high, I’m flying at the speed of light, soaring on eagles’ wings, euphoric; but the other 20% its the darkest dungeon and I’m a captive and there is no way out until I snap then I soaring again. This is me and I’ve accepted this, as hard as it may be. The thing is thought that there are so many others who haven’t come to this realization as yet or never will.
Those are the ones who need you most, they need to be told that the sun will rise, they need to be told that the horizon is an imaginary line, when they can’t breathe because they were crying so hard that they coughed and coughed so hard that they choked, they need you to wash their face and rub their backs, we need you to hold our hands as hard as you can so that we don’t hurt ourselves with them. We don’t need you to call us crazy, we don’t need you to make crude remarks about ‘crazy’ people. We don’t need you to go to therapy, however we need you to not laugh or look so puzzled when we mention counselling or therapy. Not all cuts bleed on the outside, some of the most deadly drain you from within. We need your support, the same way we give you ours, tirelessly. We need your call, or your letter, or your email, or your hug as when we’re at our lowest low we can’t see clearly and often times we can’t see at all. If it were a perfect world it wouldn’t be this way but please remember the other 20% of my time. And though I might scream that I don’t want to, I actually do want to live, more than you’d ever know.
If you caught on at all, if you got my drift, then go help make ‘thank you’ notes instead of ‘goodbye notes’.
In case you don;t know, you are loved by the most high everlasting God, creator of heaven on Earth.
bent but not broken, not terribly out of shape either