There’s no way to begin this properly and I don’t know what deserves preference. It is my least favourite time of year. It is raining almost continuously for the past six or so days.This is the fourth year that I’m applying to universities (through my own will). My brother is offshore working in 20+foot seas and they are continuously growing. I woke up late for work today, three hours after I was supposed to wake up. My mom thinks that my room is filthy, while it actually is not, it is not even messy. I have finals that I am not prepared for next week. The crime situation in my country is sickening. I still have not gone for a blood test to confirm that my thyroid is not working as it should and as a result causing me numerous problems. I hope that I have a marriage where we work through our problems with open minds and love. Part of me misses Barbados. I’m trying to find the sense of going to university. I have photos to send out. My computer does not function as it should. As a matter of fact, it barely works but at least I have a computer. I have not found somewhere selling a NIV bible. I have to ship the things from my Amazon cart but I’m not getting time too. Some inconsiderate person is having a party in my neighborhood and it is very noisy. I can feel myself falling back into depression. I cry for everything and getting out of bed on mornings is the hardest thing because I would rather block out my windows with dark curtains and stay in my bed. It is cold- yes it is only 77°F/25°C but it is usually 34°C here in Trinidad. It is cold and my body hurts. Also I’m twenty and not much of what I’m doing is contributing to where I want to be in life one day. I’m trying to convince myself that I don’t love someone and it is working somewhat but not all of the time. Also love doesn’t matter, just how much you can compromise until neither of you are who you were initially. I think I’m going to squash all other plans and sell ideas because if there is one thing that I’m darn good at, it is thinking up ideas. So yeah, if you want to switch things up a bit I would certainly be willing to sell you an idea. I don’t have enough momentum to work to achieve my own ideas. And I don’t want my ideas to go to the grave with me.
So why don’t I just go all of the things that I need to do? I cannot focus on any one thing because it never seems as if it is a significant enough contribution to the whole. I have no expectations but there are so many things that I want to do but there are so many more things holding me back and breaking through is such a problem but I’m trying.
Maybe when the weather gets better, I’ll see the light at the end of this tunnel but until then I’m just hanging in there, frustrated and seeking comfort from the Good News.
“Be still, and know that I am God”-Psalm 46:10
And my favourite:
-“I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind.”- Ecclesiastes 1:14
You are loved,
Even when you don’t remember it,