It is Easier to Kill a Tree By Poisoning The Roots Than By Picking a Leaf
Things could be a lot better, a lot a lot better.
They aren’t good, some of them suck. Right now it feels like most of them suck but that’s just how I feel right now. Only some of them suck.
I’m trying to learn from my mistakes and the decisions that I made in the past. The first time I was at university, I didn’t return after the first semester because I was too scared to directly tell my parents that the depression that I dealt with for so long was extremely bad and that for me to continue in that environment I absolutely had to go the therapy of some sort. Yes, there was free counselling at the university but the counselor and I had a few sessions together and they didn’t go well (in my opinion).
It is interesting where this journey has taken me. Initially when I wanted to go to therapy I was willing to sit down and trash out my thoughts, feelings and actions. I wanted to get better the long hard way. I thought I could get better the long hard way. Now time has passed, two years actually and I don’t care for the long conversations and discoveries as much as I care about being able to sleep through a night peacefully, or not cut myself, or not pull out my hair. I was so against using medication initially, I didn’t want anything to alter my mood or further my personality. Now, I just want to be well, give me drugs.
It is scary to think who I would be if I didn’t have to deal with this illness again. As terrible as it is we’ve been extremely close since I was nine years old. For most of my life we’ve been each other’s companions- naturally it is strange to think that I may be a very different person.
I’m sorry for what my granny had to see today. I’m sorry that she’s possibly going to be praying all night for me, and my family. I’m sorry that I won’t be going to any of the church meetings and group things that she always casually invites me to. Gran, I’ve prayed a lot to get better- it doesn’t change things, it doesn’t work. Chemicals are pretty much set in their ways. I’m happy that we went looking for that nonexistent flower show on Sunday. I enjoyed our drinks and broccoli soup together. Broccoli soup is one of my favourites.
The odds that I’d get in disagreements with the two people I consider my best friends in the same week? Slim, but it happened and I’ve learned or maybe just remembered that when you tell someone something personal there is nothing stopping the from sending that back out into the universe as pepper and poison covered arrows. When you share what you’ve been through with someone, when I share what I’ve been through it is so that others can either be exposed to another side of reality that they are not familiar with or so that they can learn lessons from the events of my experience.
I fully accept responsibility. I gave you the weapons to use against me.
It is sort of common knowledge that I like foreigners, that I like travelling.
More precisely, what I like are people with flights booked to leave wherever the common place we are in together is. Why? Because everyone is going to leave and I like to have a fixed date. I like to know in January that come March this person and I are not going to be seeing each other again. I like to know that in March, this person leaves and whatever this is ends. I like to know when things end and seeing that in most instances we can’t know when so many things end I seek to find the expiration date on as many things as I can from the set of those that we may have knowledge of.
Relationships (friendships) that have no real end date in sight, those that may frizzle out and disperse then disappear aren’t my favourite no matter how cherished the particular relationship may be.
I can see this friendship ending but it takes time to end. It must gradually roll to a stop, there is no date on which you leave. We basically occupy the same space. I hate relationships (friendships) for this, because we invest so much into them we always want to save them, put some sort of effort into prolonging them. This is not based on our current enjoyment of the relationship but upon the fact that we’ve built this house up so much that we’d like to continue living in it although it has illness inducing mold.
I like clean cuts, I think I like clean cuts, not poorly shredded paper. I like fine edges, conversations, clarity and mutual exits. I don’t like missed calls and unreturned calls, I don’t like getting called when you’re desperate to leave the house or when something that has you extremely upset has happen. I possibly only don’t like those calls because they’re the only sort of calls that I get. I like random calls, I like checking up on you calls and hanging out because why not.
I like this blog, I like wandering and wondering. I like when things work out. I like that I’m not making the same decision twice. I like that as much as this semester has began to feel like that semester in Barbados, that it isn’t and this time I’m not going to withdraw from university because I’m depressed. This time I’ll work on the core problem.
This time will be different.
This afternoon as I sat cooling off on the bench in the front yard with the sun setting behind the mountain a cool breeze blew consistently and I tried to figure out what direction it actually blew from I finally came to the understanding of what it means for someone’s spirit to remain with you. I wouldn’t quite put it as their spirit but he always is with me because I’ve chosen to keep his memory with me. I’ve put a bookmark on those times together and whenever and wherever I am in life I’ll be able to turn back those pages and he’ll be there. And I’d smile because I am happy for him and his happiness makes me happy.
I’m watching and waiting and creating not necessarily patiently but I’m ‘doing’ and that’s what is important.
Each day I sleep and wake is one day closer or one day further. Neither of those are good nor bad.
Mostly, I want to get better and meet the other me who doesn’t share a life nor a bed with depression. It is unnerving to think about but I think it would be interesting and I think I’d grow to enjoy being that person, even if it means having to take something that permits me to be that person.
There, the tip of the iceberg but after all it is something and sharing experiences and thoughts benefit us all. This is part of my Great Perhaps so I suppose I should mention it here, even the bits that are ugly and sad.
This song just came up randomly on my Youtube Auto play, endless memories.
Hey you I love you.