Apparently there is a light at the end of the tunnel. To me it seems like a fable. Every light that I see and run to flickers bright then outs.
Surrounded by darkness I’ve started upon a journey to create some light, to define my space in this universe.
My heart has been full of hatred and I’ve cried everyday for the last week and a day. I’m lost for how people can have no integrity, no love for their fellowmen, only thoughts for themselves. I’ve thought so many negative, horrid thoughts, so, so unusual for me. I’ve been terrible. The only thing I have tried to do is harness that hate instead of passing it on to others who are undeserving of it.
Down in the bottom of this pit, I’ve started a fire. Unfortunately it is fueled with hatred and thoughts of revenge- in the meanwhile it engulfs me. Yet out of evil, out of darkness, light can be born-pure white light.
Every night whilst we rubbed sticks to make a fire I found myself challenging myself. Honestly I don’t remember how it started, it just did and every night I went back at it.
Asleep for most of the day and spending my nights by the sea under the stars a new light began to emerge. This new light was not bright nor brilliant. Just an ember really.
This light wasn’t fueled by my hatred or anger, this light only expanded in that state of deep silence of mind. This light required a vacuum, void of any thought and every thought to expand. I spent more and more time here and it grew. It is still growing and the challenge continues.
The other fire still has fuel, lots and lots of fuel but I want to believe that one day it will be no more.
In the meanwhile, I wish to let this pure light engulf me. Along this journey time and clarity of mind reap results.
I’m not in control but am I really ever?
This one is for Meiling: her encouragement and guidance and willingness to share her knowledge on all things yoga is very much appreciated. Here’s her favorite pose above. Thank you Moooling!
I started practising Bakasana (see the top picture) about two weeks ago and then I stopped but in this last week it has become a meditation for me. With some guidance and with much reading tonight I was able to get into a supported Bakasana for the first time. In focusing for Bakasana I have created a little white light, ‘the other fire’. As the hate fueled fire burns and continues to burn -for I cannot simply shut off my feelings forever (I tried- didn’t work) this other fire will one day engulf it.
These top three pictures are all poses that have come to me in the last week that I could not do before.
In addition to Bakasana, I had a long, brilliant and challenging sail alone that I used to create space in my mind. Sailing is such a beautiful activity. It can be described as commensalism if my boat and I were parasites. We use they wind, it carries us and we do not harm it.
I was in a peaceful place as I hiked out and sailed around every headland in view and reach before the sunset. I have no pictures but there is a brilliant showreel in my head.
Only and wonderfully matter,