Not A Cynic- Just Scared of Love

I just had this epiphany (so naturally I’m writing it down).
*this is about romantic relationships specifically, not other sorts of relationships although I am sure that some of it will apply nonetheless.
*love= the chemical reaction in the brain and the resulting emotions & attachment

The idea of being ‘in love’ is beautiful, it is wonderful, enchanting and desirable. Being ‘in love’ for the rest of your life, making promises and keeping them. The idea of two people moving through blissful days and difficult times hand in hand. Two people respecting each other, uplifting each other, procreating or raising a citizen of this world, aiding the continuation of our species. It is ridiculously beautiful. Having dinner next to someone who genuinely cares about the path that your day took, then dries the dishes as you wash them, every night. Not going to bed angry at each other, fifteen, twenty-eight, fifty, years into a relationship/marriage.

That’s golden!

Yet, ‘love’ often looks like sad tears, silent treatment, empty kisses, breaks in a relationship, self-centeredness, undue control, passive aggression. Then dinners together, make-up sex, watching the sunset together, stealing glances at his phone, not trusting her, not letting her go out with her friends, hating all of his friends.

The reality is so far removed, distorted and obscured from the idea it is based upon. And, it cannot be any different. Love could only be perfect if us humans were capable of perfect- we obviously are not.

Fair, I have not been in one of these relationships- unless you count that one that lasted ALL of four days after a regatta in Barbados (I don’t count it but my brother does and he’d bring it up so…) I’ve been single like a dollar bill. By choice and not by choice at times (mostly by choice), but every last one of my friends, cousins and my brother has been in such a relationship and I’ve gotten to observe so much. If I don’t believe in love filled, long lasting relationships, none of you have given me any reason to counter that decision.

So we have the idea of love and what is displayed in the world, I’m surprised that there aren’t many more people who think the way I do.


Yet, I can see why so many keep going back to love and relationships.
Have you read ‘The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants’? You have? You haven’t? Well, at the beginning of one of the chapters there was this: “You’ll swear that you won’t ever love like this again, then you’ll swear that you’ve never loved like this before.” Each time, although so similar, (apparently) it seems so different and off of the cliff you leap once more. People will tell you that you’re going to crash but you keep on speeding, not a care for the stoplights. “It is going to work this time, this one is for real.”

It would be easier to believe that if I didn’t hear it at the start of each of your last relationships.
That right there is why I think love is terrifying because I could be as cynical as I want then one day I’ll quit stopping at red lights and a Mac truck will T-bone me. One day, I’ll be thinking ‘okay, this is love, I’m in love with this guy, and love ends badly’ but I won’t heed the signals nor will I be able to. Then it will end and I will feel all of the pain that I worked so hard to avoid.

Try as I will it is bound to happen because at the end of the day hugs are one of my favourite things and sleeping next to someone is like winning the lottery to me. I enjoy people’s company, we can talk or be silent, we can work on something together or read our books quietly on our separate beach mats and I am happy as a clam.
*( I do not know what winning a lottery feels like, niether being a clam but I can guess.)

Too bad that lottery feeling is a mess of chemicals and hormones and it will be too late to change anything once it has done what it has.

What makes a relationship good? The quality or the quantity. Does an amazing day, month, year, or decade of ‘amazing love’ (love not sex/not just sex) hold more value than two people who have stayed together until the day that they died? Why does it matter that a couple is still together thirty years later if the quality of the relationship isn’t golden? Sure, relationships change as time passes and you should not (apparently) expect flowers or fishing days with the guys for no reason after the first few years but why do relationships change so drastically in a negative way . Then are maintained because until death do us part.

Why do we make commitments, sorry, why do you keep making commitments to love someone for the rest of your life? That carries so much weight, yet it slips out so easily when every thing feels good. How can you promise a chemical reaction? Further why can’t you just promise to love someone for each moment that you do. The future isn’t yours, let this moment be your commitment.

Cheers, that’s it. It’s 3:15 and I’m not proof reading this, and I’ve been trying to start watching a movie about some one who chooses to end their misery caused by a permanent problem instead of choosing to stay alive with the person that they love.

Synopsis: I was thinking that love and relationships are doomed and that people should definitely not try to make them  last forever when I realised that I’m possibly going to end up in that boat one day. I think that is extremely scary. Perhaps that is why I avoid it, yet on the other hand if we all crash why don’t I just jump?

Stay adventurous, stay in,
Rushell 🙂

One thought on “Not A Cynic- Just Scared of Love

  1. The only way to avoid pain is to insulate yourself against all risk and in doing so you insulate yourself against all joy. My two cents. Oh, two cents more. Maybe more than two cents. There’s beauty and joy even in our imperfect manifestations of love.

    I was 22 when I had my first relationship, with the dude I eventually married…then divorced. Quite a few of the people I know (weirdos all?) were also in their twenties when they had their first relationship. All very interesting and smart people who don’t jump on bandwagons or jump off cliffs just because everyone around them is doing/has done it. You’ll be fine. Being single is a legit and exciting choice. Many people who jump into relationships and marriages do so because of social pressure. You will choose (or not) when the person(s) and the time(s) are right. It’s about chemicals and biological drives, but it’s also about transcendence and companionship and constant work and determination and change and pain and a whole lot of other things. People have never been as free as they are now to paint their lives in the colours of their own choosing. You are young, and you are very blessed! L’Chaim! To life!


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