1. Do not give the essay what it wants: attention.
2. Do step one for about 2 weeks or 4/5ths of the time before deadline.
3. Peak at essay question (but not for too long).
4. Return to Step 1 until the miniscule timer in the back of your mind begins to tick feverously.
5. Google topic
6. For one last day, return to step 1 (depending on the grandiose of the essay it should be due anywhere between 1 week or 24 hours from this day).
Panic! (Calmly accept destiny)
8. Research essay topic & draft a plan for the essay.
9. Procrastinate because of overwhelming feelings related to impending due date. (NB. This is not a ‘Netflix binge‘ procrastination session, nor a ‘search the internet for information on important matter‘, this is a procrastination session where other significantly less important, but still important tasks get completed. Period lasts between 24 hours or 5 hours; once again this is dependent on the importance of the essay.)
10. Stay up all night, or stay up for consecutive nights in library or bed writing essay. Drink caffeinated drinks while eating junk food.
PRO TIP: Do periodical circuits of pushups. If at the library, be sure to have another all-nighter (he’s not being as productive as he thinks) count your pushups. This person can also be used to time your ‘stay awake plank intervals’. Lastly, you two are responsible for watching each other’s belonging when bathroom breaks are required.
There is a rumor from a faraway land that there may be a ‘path less travelled’ for you adventurous ones when it comes to essay writing. Unlike the methods outlined above, this is the straight and narrow path. We are mostly unfamiliar with its ways and the protocol to be followed whence travelling that path. It involves some sort of continuous work.