Am I Asking For Too Much From Life?

Sometimes, like right now, life feels like driving my manual truck. I’m in neutral. I get the opportunity to move into first gear. Then, as I mash the clutch to switch gears, the scene switches and there is a vehicle with its rear brake lights gleaming at me from less than meter ahead.

Every time that I start a new project, something new comes up to delay that project indefinitely.
These are things that I’ve been working on, trying to complete or waiting on responses. Some, most, of these things have been on this list for years.
STCW10
TAPIF
World Nomads
RYA Coastal Skipper
RYA Yachtmaster Ocean
My own little sailboat
Barbados
Vlogging
YouTube
Photography Energy Exchanges
Painting
PCOS
Blogging
University :papers, exams, social
Someone Special

There are two main things:

1 I’m computer-less for the while, I don’t know how long until it is fixed or replaced. Unfortunately, apart from school work which I’ve been getting done in others’ computers, everything that I’m working on requires a computer. More specifically, it requires my computer with the software that’s on it. I am completely stalled on most of my projects right now.
2. I continuously question how I feel about media. The goal for me is to live off of the grid and to not be involved in the rest of the world. Is this too selfish? In the meanwhile, I’m on Facebook, WordPress andInstagram, I’m trying to produce content and not feel guilty about it. I want to vlog more but I don’t like the feeling of imposing a camera on people. Some people execute this so well, even if it took them a while. I’m having a love affair with videography and photography if feels good but I also feel like at my core, my being wants to reject these things because they don’t feel right.
(Eug😏 saying that on this blog that is so closely allied with my photography makes me feel weird but I know that I’ll value reading back this post one day, I may as well be honest.)

I must admit that yes, I am so unbelievably happy in Montreal, this place is home to me. I am stoked that I was able to participate in this exchange. I live with and interact with people who try to make the world a better place everyday.

At the same time it seems like there are just too many things that I want to do. Too many projects that I want to work on. Too many causes that I care for. I say this but I know that there will always be roadblocks and brick walls.

I know that it is up to me to break down those brick walls to get to whatever it is that I want. Yet, it seems like there is a raging river and a thick forest that I must somehow get through before I reach to the brick wall. It feels like it isn’t only one brick wall but a series of five brick walls; each more thick than the last.

I’m so confused. Should I do less? Would doing less increase the odds for success? How do I want less after I’ve already set my sights on achieving certain things?

I want to ask, “Why are there so many brick walls?” But I know why, as I just told Matt, if these things were easy to attain then they would have been done already. There isn’t another way to the promised (envisioned) land besides through this forest, across the raging river and into and out of each brick wall.

Some days I wake up with the determination to get through the obstacles. Some days I have the energy to get through. Then on other days, I’m so frustrated that I can’t even find the forests to start my journey to the promised (envisioned) land.

your girl,

rusharella

Processed with VSCO with p5 preset
Photo by Isabella Donnati Simmons
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