My proverbial heart is heavy. My mind, my being, my vibe, whatever it is, that this thing is.
It is melancholy, tired, hurting, sometimes numb, stuck. Since last year I promised that this blog would take a brighter turn, and it did. Even then, only for a while. Now we’re back to this.
Most of what I do lately is purely out of self-discipline, not motivation because I genuinely have none. That drive to achieve, to attain, to impress, it has dissolved. Bits and pieces float around but not enough. If motivation was a harmful substance and I was a meal, the FDA would still approve me because the levels are so low.
Time and time again, my efforts are of little consequence. Sure I’m learning lessons. I’m mostly learning this one: “Try as you can, you can’t blow this house down.” Life is the house and I am the wolf. This concrete house isn’t relenting, its foundation is strong. I’m but a wolf and my lungs certainly cannot deliver the PSI to be effective in this situation.
Even so, I try because determination and continuity are the keys to success. I wait.
I’ve been waiting for a while. I’m beginning to doubt that things will ever turn around. Surely, nothing lasts forever, but, it could last for a day less than forever.
There are some things going right. However, the things going left carry so much weight that the things going right are seriously affected or damaged. Some of the things going right are new and tender. Too much resistance and they won’t survive. So, although there are so many things going left, more are added daily. I wish the tides would turn but wishes are of no use.
Monday was a really good morning, Sunday night too. The moon was full and bright, I was determined, convinced, that things would turn around. I was certain that the full moon’s pull would change the tide from left to right. Instead, it continued to flow steadily in the direction I abhorred.
So here I am, feeling more shattered than wholesome. I think back to a year ago. Back then I was certain that by now the tides would be changed.
They did not.