“… Is FEAR Itself”

Three weeks into my first true solo overseas experience, I got held up and robbed at gun point with my housemate. It has been almost five years and more than a handful of solo trips since. Yet, the fear that found a home in me that night still hasn’t left.

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It has followed me to pristine beaches.

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To ancient streets in Paris.

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It stayed with me as I camped in Germany’s Black Forest.

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 From trips to the world’s oldest nature reserve

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to countryside drives,

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and drinking water in Switerland.
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Neither hay bail sitting,

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nor hippie festival vibing was enough to shake it off.

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That fear has tainted the spirit of my life. Once I was an instinctive, intuition following person then I became a worried, fearful child; afraid of monsters under my bed.

Living in Trinidad didn’t help much. There is enough going on there to birth children of fear throughout the citizenry.  No area of life was left untouched. I didn’t think that a 17″inch Macbook would cost me as much as that one did, even without spending a dollar. I didn’t think that it would matter to me five years later. Not being able to eat or sleep properly in the months that followed made sense. Still having this even linger in my being, doesn’t.

 

SO!

I have created a project for myself. These are the early stages. Once spring arrives, I’ll put this plan into action. In the meanwhile, I’ll do the groundwork.

Someone(FDF) said, “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” With trustworthy intuition this spring and summer, I’m kicking out fear. It has long overstayed any semblence of a welcome.

I plan to regain peace and clarity on farms and vinyards in Eastern France, all while tending chickens and vegetables. I’m going to create more space for my wandering imagination as I explore the crystal, clear, Croatian coast. My intuition and my GPS will guide my bike from Switzerland to the French Riviera. Fear will be abandoned on the salt flats of Slovenia. In Canada, I will let the wilderness within expand. Scuba diving on reefs in St. Eustatius I will fill that space with colour. In Barbados, the waves that I surf will weave new patterns and their accent will be a song to my ears.

Fear won’t keep me from connecting with locals. Nor will it restrain my attempts of speaking French. I’ll camp peacefully under the stars (or rain) and swim joyously in rivers and lakes.

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I’ll challenge myself to use wisdom not fear, to speak words of encouragement not doubt. I’ll learn and grow, not with a spirit of fear but with one of intuition.
I’m sewing a garden bed of clarity.

Cheers,
Rushell

 

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One thought on ““… Is FEAR Itself”

  1. Lovely post.

    The thing about trauma is that it takes up residence in your actual body. (I’ve made a study of this.) It’s probably a survival mechanism. When you think you’ve forgotten–your body hasn’t. You’re never totally free of it; you learn to accept it and work around it.

    Breathe. Be safe and aware. Enjoy your peregrinations. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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