Ever since I finished reading all four Gospels last year, I’ve spent most of the past nine months reading the epistles. There is a lot to learn there but my heart started to yearn for something more, I needed to revisit the Gospels, not just cast them off. So I started at the beginning, back to Matthew I went.
It has been a few days now and I’m moving along fine, some things that didn’t apply then, apply now. Coming back to read here again is a bit like going back to a place that you left and realizing how much you’ve changed while it has stayed the same. God’s words, like His love for us, will never change. I know a lot more about myself too now.
I no longer try to read my bible as soon as I wake up, neither do I try to pray any long prayer; instead I take a single moment to consciously thank God for bringing me into this new day and for keeping me safe throughout the night. On mornings as soon as I wake up I’m really fuzzy minded. I’d try to read and get nothing from what I read, in two hours time I wouldn’t even remember what I read. Conversation with anyone as soon as I wake up is deluded. I was following a ritual and reaping no benefits. So I changed things up. Now when I’m dressed and before I go downstairs to have breakfast I read my bible and as soon as my mind clears up I talk to God (while getting ready). Too many mornings in the past I’ve jumped to consciousness only to realize that I fell asleep literally in my bible.
I’ve reached to the Beatitudes, so Matthew 5 and I decided that I’d read one Beatitude a day, a single line. I focus on it I think it through, I see how it applies throughout my day, then I reflect on it at the end of the day. I’m on number two but it this has gone deep.
“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”
Poor in spirit, no it doesn’t mean faithless as I previously thought and ended up rather confused. Poor in spirit refers to those who are humble, those who do not pride themselves or think that their good is through their own doing. Instead they acknowledge that they are fallen, broken people, the grace that we have received, the favor that is ours is not through our ability to do good works, it is not on merit. It’s God. Those who’s pride rests in our Heavenly Father, they have been given the Kingdom of Heaven.
>I’m a pretty good swimmer, I’ve been doing it for years. The other people who swim with me are mostly new to the sport. I was thinking about how much I needed to continuously be humbled by this experience, here I am the best swimmer out of my group by far, in a position that I could very easily flaunt it. I could act as if it was all mine. Act as if it was I who chose to give me long, powerful arms or a near perfect technique. Act as if I was the greatest amongst ourselves.
While in fact these are all gifts, they are blessings and they must be used to build the body that is the church and community of believes here on Earth, these gifts should be used to spread the love of Christ. How does one share love in a swimming pool?
You encourage, you give advice, you support, you are patient when someone who swims slowly takes off right ahead of you or stops unexpectedly, you are forgiving when someone’s breaststroke kick ends in your face or stomach-from al the way on the other side of the lane, you are HUMBLE, you don’t walk with this air of greatness. You did not make this, He did and He told you to love them. So do it.
“Blessed are those who morn for they shall be comforted.”
Day two was today. Day two was relevant. Day two was needed. Today was day two in every sense of it. Today I can’t tell you what happened, I can’t explain it properly. I woke up after 10am in a fog and was stuck in it for much of the remainder of the day. I possibly cried more than twelve times, in public, in the car next to mom, on the street.
Every poor thought that I could have brought up I did. I only realized that this was a bout of depression when I realized that what I was saying in my head was actually a suicide note. My heart was hurting, everything was dim and I really just felt pity and pain. I felt undeserving in the worst way possible. I cried to God because I knew that even though I didn’t feel like He was there, He was, and He is!
Soon I remembered what I was to read today, line two. I was mourning but I wasn’t feeling comforted. I felt rather alone and deep in pain and agony. Then it got worse.
I curiously opened the envelope that my doctor gave me to hand over to a psychologist that she recommend but I never got around to (can’t afford) starting therapy right now. There in plain words said what I had suspected for a while and was possibly lead to believe by my doctor but I never really took it all in as a confirmation,”Patient has recently been diagnose with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.” That was all I needed for this hot air balloon that was my day to crash into the Earth.
I spend a significant portion of my day thinking about what I’m going to do with my children, how i’m going to raise them, what games I’ll play with them, how much I love them and today, something that I sort of already knew got confirmed and dashed my heart.
Then this afternoon I posted something on instagram about the journey of over coming obstacles in our lives and learning to enjoy life again after pain. Then I went back and edited the post to include the hashtag PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). Then I checked the hashtag and was immediately enveloped in the community of PCOS women and girls on instagram. I started looking then I realized that so many of these strong, childless women were Christians who posted inspirational posts, who were honest about their pain, who commented on each other’s post sharing love and encouragement and praise to our Father. Then there were the others who got pregnant, who’s prayers were answered with a child. I commented on a few posts, encouraging other and then people were writing back to me and I am so happy that today I have seen this blessing work right through. I have mourned and i know that it is a process and I will continue to sometimes because something that I have been looking forward to has just been pushed off of a cliff in front of me, but I’ve been comforted. I have been reminded of where my faith is to be, where my hope is. I am thankful.
I’m glad that I have this blog where I can share these things with others as well as be able to revisit this place in my life in time to come. Thanks for reading. What’s are you reading in your bible? Are you struggling with PCOS as well? Let me know in the comments below.