THOUGHT & PIXELS: The Two Fires Inside

My heart has been full of hatred. I’ve thought so many negative, horrid thoughts, so, so unusual for me. I’ve been terrible. Yet out of evil, out of darkness, light can be born-pure white light.

Thoughts: Even If We Can’t Find Heaven

If you listen to mainstream pop you have possibly heard this song.
If you use slang you have possibly made the statement, “I’m going through hell.”

 

If you live in a fairly conservative religious society, all of the grannies, grandpas, mommies and daddies are switching the station, rolling their eyes and shaking their heads in disappointment as this easy to sing along with jam is aired. Perhaps it is because the idea of not finding heaven and being in hell with someone is such a serious situation that we can’t talk lightly about it.

Which sucks because the song makes a fairly (very) controversial statement to represent commitment in a relationship. Meanwhile we have G-Eazy letting us know that he is not looking for love he is just looking for sex. So many songs speak of these relationships with shelf lives so short that they don’t even make it to the shelf. Sure flings are fun but they aren’t productive in terms of the bigger picture. That is, in the sense that it is a lot harder to raise a stable, contributing member of society who will perpetuate our species from a relationship where there was not a long term fondness, interaction and care between both partners before life was created.

Most people believe in a heaven or equivalent nirvana; it is practical considering the hardships of this life. Heaven can be equated to not only the good times but that end goal of success that one may work towards or contemplate throughout the day. Unfortunately heaven seems to be elusive so often. Instead bills, loans, cancer, long term illness, hardships and disappointment are frequent visitors in this life. What did the first three weeks of January feel like? It felt like hell. I lost more than I was willing to part with.

Sticking with another when things are dismal, gloomy or downright terrible is such an important attribute that I think the lyrics of the song are used in a manner than can be justified. If heaven and hell exist, our only way to conceptualise what they will be like is draw from the highs (the heavens) and the extreme lows (the hells) that we face in this existence.

Here is to sticking with those chosen people through hell.
Here is to loving them in the good and in the terrible.
Here is to being at your side.
Here is to joy and agape if we ever find heaven.

Much love,
Rusharella
Ps. I hope you find heaven.

 

 

Pixels: 2016= 30 Days, 4 Sailing Trips, 3 1/2 Hours in Tobago, 2 Lost Loved Ones, 1 German Junge, No Hope

It’s just a section of the highlight reel. It isn’t always sunshine and blue skies. Don’t base the quality of your own life off of your perception of those of others. Life is however, whatever you make of it.

Elastic Heart

“I’ve got thick skin and an elastic heart.” Thanks Sia for making a complete sentence of one slightly confusing aspect of my life. It doesn’t apply in the same sense as you imply it but it works regardless. I’m guessing that you meant something along …

I Thought I Was Studying The Beatitudes, Then I Realized I Was Living Them

Ever since I finished reading all four Gospels last year, I’ve spent most of the past nine months reading the epistles. There is a lot to learn there but my heart started to yearn for something more, I needed to revisit the Gospels, not just cast them off. So I started at the beginning, back to Matthew I went.

It has been a few days now and I’m moving along fine, some things that didn’t apply then, apply now. Coming back to read here again is a bit like going back to a place that you left and realizing how much you’ve changed while it has stayed the same. God’s words, like His love for us, will never change. I know a lot more about myself too now.

I no longer try to read my bible as soon as I wake up, neither do I try to pray any long prayer; instead I take a single moment to consciously thank God for bringing me into this new day and for keeping me safe throughout the night. On mornings as soon as I wake up I’m really fuzzy minded. I’d try to read and get nothing from what I read, in two hours time I wouldn’t even remember what I read. Conversation with anyone as soon as I wake up is deluded. I was following a ritual and reaping no benefits. So I changed things up. Now when I’m dressed and before I go downstairs to have breakfast I read my bible and as soon as my mind clears up I talk to God (while getting ready). Too many mornings in the past I’ve jumped to consciousness only to realize that I fell asleep literally in my bible.

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I’ve reached to the Beatitudes, so Matthew 5 and I decided that I’d read one Beatitude a day, a single line. I focus on it I think it through, I see how it applies throughout my day, then I reflect on it at the end of the day. I’m on number two but it this has gone deep.

DAY 1

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”

Poor in spirit, no it doesn’t mean faithless as I previously thought and ended up rather confused. Poor in spirit refers to those who are humble, those who do not pride themselves or think that their good is through their own doing. Instead they acknowledge that they are fallen, broken people, the grace that we have received, the favor that is ours is not through our ability to do good works, it is not on merit. It’s God. Those who’s pride rests in our Heavenly Father, they have been given the Kingdom of Heaven.
>I’m a pretty good swimmer, I’ve been doing it for years. The other people who swim with me are mostly new to the sport. I was thinking about how much I needed to continuously be humbled by this experience, here I am the best swimmer out of my group by far, in a position that I could very easily flaunt it. I could act as if it was all mine. Act as if it was I who chose to give me long, powerful arms or a near perfect technique. Act as if I was the greatest amongst ourselves.

While in fact these are all gifts, they are blessings and they must be used to build the body that is the church and community of believes here on Earth, these gifts should be used to spread the love of Christ.  How does one share love in a swimming pool?

You encourage, you give advice, you support, you are patient when someone who swims slowly takes off right ahead of you or stops unexpectedly, you are forgiving when someone’s breaststroke kick ends in your face or stomach-from al the way on the other side of the lane, you are HUMBLE, you don’t walk with this air of greatness. You did not make this, He did and He told you to love them. So do it.

DAY 2

“Blessed are those who morn for they shall be comforted.”

Day two was today. Day two was relevant. Day two was needed. Today was day two in every sense of it. Today I can’t tell you what happened,  I can’t explain it properly. I woke up after 10am in a fog and was stuck in it for much of the remainder of the day. I possibly cried more than twelve times, in public, in the car next to mom, on the street.

Every poor thought that I could have brought up I did. I only realized that this was a bout of depression when I realized that what I was saying in my head was actually a suicide note. My heart was hurting, everything was dim and I really just felt pity and pain. I felt undeserving in the worst way possible. I cried to God because I knew that even though I didn’t feel like He was there, He was, and He is!

Soon I remembered what I was to read today, line two. I was mourning but I wasn’t feeling comforted. I felt rather alone and deep in pain and agony. Then it got worse.

I curiously opened the envelope that my doctor gave me to hand over to a psychologist that she recommend but I never got around to (can’t afford) starting therapy right now. There in plain words said what I had suspected for a while and was possibly lead to believe by my doctor but I never really took it all in as a confirmation,”Patient has recently been diagnose with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.” That was all I needed for this hot air balloon that was my day to crash into the Earth.

I spend a significant portion of my day thinking about what I’m going to do with my children, how i’m going to raise them, what games I’ll play with them, how much I love them and today, something that I sort of already knew got confirmed and dashed my heart.

i cried.

Then this afternoon I posted something on instagram about the journey of over coming obstacles in our lives and learning to enjoy life again after pain. Then I went back and edited the post to include the hashtag PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). Then I checked the hashtag and was immediately enveloped in the community of PCOS women and girls on instagram. I started looking then I realized that so many of these strong, childless women were Christians who posted inspirational posts, who were honest about their pain, who commented on each other’s post sharing love and encouragement and praise to our Father. Then there were the others who got pregnant, who’s prayers were answered with a child. I commented on a few posts, encouraging other and then people were writing back to me and I am so happy that today I have seen this blessing work right through.  I have mourned and i know that it is a process and I will continue to sometimes because something that I have been looking forward to has just been pushed off of a cliff in front of me, but I’ve been comforted. I have been reminded of where my faith is to be, where my hope is. I am thankful.

I’m glad that I have this blog where I can share these things with others as well as be able to revisit this place in my life in time to come. Thanks for reading. What’s are you reading in your bible? Are you struggling with PCOS as well? Let me know in the comments below.

Much love,
Rushell

Doing Good For All The Wrong Reasons

I was doing good for all of the wrong reasons. I was doing good towards other people for my own betterment. I wanted to be as close to being a good person as possible so I did good. I even tried really hard at it. I was getting good at being a ‘good person’ when I realized how I’d missed the whole point.

Break My Heart For What Breaks Yours

“Heal my heart and make it clean, Open up my eyes to the things unseen, Show me how to love like You have loved me, Break my heart for what breaks yours, Everything I am for Your Kingdom’s cause, As I walk from Earth into Eternity.”

If you are a Christian who listens to contemporary worship music you may have heard this song before and maybe you’ve sang along with it as well. If you are not a Christian however, you make take one look at these lyrics and come to the conclusion that who ever can sing such a pathetic song is one very blinded and dependent person. Like really, -“Everything I am for Your Kingdom’s cause!” How absurd! Surely these people must not mean what they say. How could they? Well that’s exactly what this post is about- because we can speak things into the world and into ourselves, we must be so careful what we say.

Flash back to about a year ago now, I’m at a Campus Crusade for Christ bible study at UWI (my old university) in Barbados. We’re sitting on blankets in the grass near to a water feature. Basically exactly where you would expect to find the group of Christian kids/teens/young adults/adults ‘fellow-shipping’ together. The discussion was good and for the most part I felt like we were all learning, I most definitely was. Somehow the conversation strayed and we began talking about how sometimes the things that we say as Christians scare off other potential believers, such as “As a Christian I’ll lay down my life for God,” that was the example used and it is true, to an extent it is really strange to hear things like this when you don’t understand the concept and the motivation for such feelings. On the other hand, it is scary because sometimes we say that we will do these things when in reality if the situation arises that we must lay down our life for a brother we may hesitate and then decide not to do it at all, and then in other cases, we say such words but we don’t even consider that it may one day become a possibility.

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So, a few weeks ago I started to sing these few lines of this song, which is Hosanna by Hillsong, and I was not really thinking about what I was saying/singing it was simply a song I thought. Well I was wrong because we get what we ask for sometimes, so be careful what you ask for.

The song seems fine for the first two lines, like yeah this is cool, God is cleaning up the mess that I’ve become through living in sin, and that’s all well and good because although it may hurt to break away from some of our sins and passions and idols, in the end we are left as better people so we’re just there singing along in the car like, ‘this is some good stuff!’ Then we get to the third line and things get a little weird, “Show me how to love like You have loved me.” Oh wow! So now we’re asking God to show us how to give the things that we love the dearest to others, be it our time, our belongings, our compassions, our money and all sorts of other things. Now this seems hard enough but remember we didn’t only ask for God to show us how to love, we asked Him to show us how to love like He loved us. This is absurd!! Now we’re noticing that drug addict at the side of the road who has no protection from the rain. You’re thinking about your umbrella in the truck of your car and how much it can benefit him. But then you think about how you’d need the umbrella to get from the car to the office in this downpour- ‘ I can buy another’ crosses your mind but you let it slip away. Then you think, what a shame this would be if I were to give him my umbrella and then he went and sold it to get some drug or the other. And then maybe you won’t think this piece, but this is what ought to come next- “Am I not like that with God’s love? Do I not often act undeserving of love like that? Don’t I often squander the fact that God sent his only Son pure and without sin, into the world, to die for my sake and yet still I refuse to take Him seriously?” That’s the thing about loving as God loved- we are called to love seemingly undeserving and unappreciative people.

Then comes the line that has manifested itself in my life though my own thoughtless desire. -“Break my heart for what breaks Yours.” Now, I have never been in any romantic relationship worth considering, far less one that resulted in ‘heartbreak’. As a result I’ve always thought the term to be rather foolish and immature- let us be real here, your heart is NOT breaking! You see that is how I felt until I started to realise that exactly what I sang and prayed mindlessly for was happening. I read a blog comment that a lady wrote about her relationship history and her ideas moving forward and they seem so far away from what God told us is right and true, she was compromising and in that moment right as I read that comment, I felt it. My heart shattered as it hit the floor, moved to tears and not even able to put to words what I wanted to pray for this woman I called on the Holy Spirit (Romans 8:26-27) and somewhere in one of those moments I realised that what I was praying for all along finally happened- my heart broke for what ‘breaks’ His. Since that, it has continued happening and through it all my eyes have been opening and my heart hurts for these people in these situations.

All in all, I got what I asked for- my heart ‘breaks’ for what ‘breaks’ His. The lesson to be learnt from all of this though is that we must be well aware of what we are saying, our thoughts and our tongues are very powerful tools and we must keep tight reigns on them in all aspects of our lives. Simply because the song is has a catchy tune and lyrics that are easy to remember is not enough reason to mindlessly talk these words into existence.

Ps. I can help so many more people and pray for so many more now that I can see the plight of these people and feel my heart breaking for them.

Watch your words,
You are LOVED,
Rushell

Under the Weather

There’s no way to begin this properly and I don’t know what deserves preference. It is my least favourite time of year. It is raining almost continuously for the past six or so days.This is the fourth year that I’m applying to universities (through my own will). My brother is offshore working in 20+foot seas and they are continuously growing. I woke up late for work today, three hours after I was supposed to wake up. My mom thinks that my room is filthy, while it actually is not, it is not even messy. I have finals that I am not prepared for next week. The crime situation in my country is sickening. I still have not gone for a blood test to confirm that my thyroid is not working as it should and as a result causing me numerous problems. I hope that I have a marriage where we work through our problems with open minds and love. Part of me misses Barbados. I’m trying to find the sense of going to university. I have photos to send out. My computer does not function as it should. As a matter of fact, it barely works but at least I have a computer. I have not found somewhere selling a NIV bible. I have to ship the things from my Amazon cart but I’m not getting time too. Some inconsiderate person is having a party in my neighborhood and it is very noisy.  I can feel myself falling back into depression. I cry for everything and getting out of bed on mornings is the hardest thing because I would rather block out my windows with dark curtains and stay in my bed. It is cold- yes it is only 77°F/25°C but it is usually 34°C here in Trinidad. It is cold and my body hurts. Also I’m twenty and not much of what I’m doing is contributing to where I want to be in life one day. I’m trying to convince myself that I don’t love someone and it is working somewhat but not all of the time.  Also love doesn’t matter, just how much you can compromise until neither of you are who you were initially. I think I’m going to squash all other plans and sell ideas because if there is one thing that I’m darn good at, it is thinking up ideas. So yeah, if you want to switch things up a bit I would certainly be willing to sell you an idea. I don’t have enough momentum to work to achieve my own ideas. And I don’t want my ideas to go to the grave with me.

So why don’t I just go all of the things that I need to do? I cannot focus on any one thing because it never seems as if it is a significant enough contribution to the whole. I have no expectations but there are so many things that I want to do but there are so many more things holding me back and breaking through is such a problem but I’m trying.

Maybe when the weather gets better, I’ll see the light at the end of this tunnel but until then I’m just hanging in there, frustrated and seeking comfort from the Good News.

“Be still, and know that I am God”-Psalm 46:10
And  my favourite:
-“I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind.”- Ecclesiastes 1:14

You are loved,
Even when you don’t remember it,
Rushell

HAPPY 1ST YEAR: GREAT PERHAPS!

“I didn’t know I was broken ’til I wanted to change. With my wild past behind me, and the future before me, I don’t want to be that same guy (gal) who was losing my mind, an eighteen year old who didn’t know what loss was. I don’t want to waste away on a false love.
I wanna get better!”

Happy 1st year Great Perhaps! You’ve survived and outlasted the worldwide average lifespan of blogs, 3 months. It’s been awesome, although at times I would neglect you for weeks at a time, then come back to pour my heart out to ya. I started you because I love to write and it has been a while that I’ve wanted to have a functioning blog. To tell you the truth, you were not the first. Shocker, yeah I know. A few years ago I attempted to start a blogger.com blog but I never figured it out. Not much thought went into you, I thought about creating you then went back to my dorm room and created you. One year later, I still love having you around to empty my thoughts into.

A lot has happened since you were created. Obviously Rushell! An entire year has passed. Well, I started back learning to surf, I watched almost every sunset from on the hill, I studied, I cried my heart out a few good times, I made unsuspecting friends, I messed up good relationships that it would potentially take trips to three areas in California to see what’s up, I’m working on my habit of neglecting people. I got rid of some harmful relationships and I went to the beach as often as possible. I finished that first semester of university in Barbados, I made some big decisions across there, some of which I would regret (if I did that) and others that I’ve stuck to till this day. I said goodbye to friends that I made and hoped to see next semester, as well as to others that I’m not sure I will ever see them again. I did not go back to Barbados at the end of Christmas break.

I took a month at home handing with my friends and brother going on adventures and continuous beach days. In the meanwhile, my interest and love for photography was growing. As life and God would have it I was fortunate enough to come across a means to buy my first camera. I got a D3200 from Nikon, which was a tough decision between that and a Nikon D7100 but I figured that my first camera should not be a full frame professional camera that would have been a bit harder, as well as have to many options which would have complicated me learning the basics of photography. This is a decision that I’m honestly still reconsidering almost everyday but one thing that not going back to school has taught me is that you have to stick with the choices that you made, you made them for a reason and there is no benefit of lamenting past decisions.

Then I went to Canada for a month during their coldest winter in 20 years. It was a wonderful experience and I learned, grew and ached and froze a lot but diamonds are made under pressure. It was a dream come through and a eight year old promise fulfilled. I shared lots of shots with you from that experience. It was a wonderful time that ended with me heading to Grenada to meet my family and best friends who had sailed up. I decided to make a video of the time that we spent there. I went on to gain my PADI certification as a Recue Diver which means that the next step is the podium for me, Divemaster! I swam my first Open Water 3k in 1:26:11.

The past year has been a whirlwind of grasping opportunities and making my own luck, breaking free of my comfort zone. In the last year I’ve experienced some of the worst pain of my life. WordPress provided me with a blank canvas to express this pain, this joy, this love, this euphoria. Thank you WordPress, from the most sincere corner of my heart. Thanks to everyone of 695 of you that took the time to read this crazy teenage girl’s blog. I hope that at some point Great Perhaps made you smile, taught you something new, showed you a different perspective, was the reason why you gave me a call, or made you cry. Because this blog has made it easier for me to turn my feelings, dreams and thoughts into words. Into words that if my only option to express them was through spoken word, would still be tangled in my brain making me sick. Even the happy moments make me sick. I love the sunsets but they are also a reminder of how tangible we are, how short our existence is, how 20 years is only 7,304 days. Having this blog has helped me in so many ways and when I created it 365 days ago I had no clue that I had upon my fingertips a “whole new world”. 

The Great  Perhaps continues!

Follow me and within the next year you’d see me learn to speak Mandarin/Chinese, apply for universities for the fifth time in my life, start university for the second time in my life, start making short films and raise $30,000TT to sail in the ABERDEEN ASSET MANAGEMENT COWES WEEK 2015 upon the racing boat that I am presently part of the crew on, S/Y LEGACY, on an Island Record Setting trip and travel throughout Europe for approximately a month. Among of course, all of the regular things that I love to blog about, such as my thoughts as well as whatever comes my way.

With reference to the quote (Jack Antonoff) at the top of this blog (in case you haven’t realized) it refers to the past year and all of the changes that I have gone through, the lessons that I have learned, the work that is being done and the fact that in more ways than one,

“I WANNA GET BETTER!”
Much love and appreciation,
Rushell Rousseau

FORGIVE(N)

Joy: To experience great pleasure or delight.

This morning I woke up at 5:50 am on top of the world, full of joy. The sun was up and shining into my bedroom and there was nothing that could break me. I felt happy to be alive, happy with my position in the universe, happy with my life, happy with my family*. I opened all of my windows, put on some good music, went downstairs and did chores on the request of no one. My brother made me an awesome egg, German sausage and toast breakfast that was scrumptious! This doesn’t normally happen, I’m not a morning person, I like mornings and the productivity achieved when your day starts early but I don’t usually enjoy mornings. This morning though I woke up singing, “Do you ever feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind wanting to start again, do you know that there’s still a chance for you, there’s a spark in you you just go to ignite the light and let it shine, just own the night like fourth of July, cause baby you’re a firework!” “Come on show ’em what you’re worth!” Yeah, the lyrics are wrong but that’s quite the norm with me, I leave out some of them by accident but it’s just as good aye?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGJuMBdaqIw&feature=kp

How on Earth did this happen? Yesterday I was at the bottom of the barrel, I felt useless and without direction, although I have a plan and lots of direction as well as the will to achieve it but nonetheless I was down.

You see, when you have an argument whether you’re wrong or right, you are still left bitter when it’s done. If you were right you’re upset that the other party was so brazen and if you were wrong you possibly didn’t think you were or didn’t want to accept that. You’re bitter. You go on with your day but you can’t get over the other party’s ignorance, their pride or your wrongdoing and pride. It surely isn’t the most coveted feeling in the world.

Then, if you’re like me you keep arguing in your head and study how you could have better phrased your argument resulting in an altogether better chance of wining. I don’t just let it go, especially when I’m right about something I must prove myself but I’d rather not argue so I just keep thinking about it. I get frustrated and just hearing the other person makes me upset.

You’d think that I would want to drop it right? Not really. This week I did though,I simply wouldn’t let my entire day and consequently week be spoiled over an argument that would in no way seriously impact my life and the other person was never going to see what I was saying. So I let it go, I forgave.

I’m right! Why would I forgive? Well you see I have quite an active conscience which ensures that I feel indescribably guilty when I do something wrong, in this case it was holding a grudge. Secondly, the argument would keep going on in my head until I got over it, only there is no simple way to ‘get over’ an argument when someone said offensive things to you, instead you just have to deal with it. Thirdly, I sin, everyday, I offend people, I lose patience, I judge and a plethora of other things but I’m forgiven. I’m forgiven by someone who has absolutely nothing to gain by forgiving me but He does it because He loves me and because I love those around me it makes sense to do so. It’s easier to show love to someone when they are forgiven in your books. Lastly, I’m sort of under orders to do as such and it also affects the efficiency with which my sins are forgiven and as mentioned above -I really need this service. So I forgave. And every second that I think about the argument or try to recollect details or to further dissect the argument I have to forgive all over again until it carries no weight for me.

Matthew 6:14 – For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.

Colossians 3:13- Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Ephesians 4:32- Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Matthew 18:22- Jesus said to him, I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.

Just some proof. Forgiving frees us from so much weight and stress, just as knowing that we are forgiven give us such a piece of mind and makes more room for joy in Christ. Am I saying that because I forgave I felt great? No, that was possibly just some chemicals in my body that made me happy so when the sun shone brilliantly into my room this morning, I greeted it as an amazing occurrence rather than a bother. And in that moment I was exceedingly happy, and in the following moment of consciousnesses no guilt came crushing down onto me, no bitterness or memories of such prevailed.

Here’s a shot from an afternoon that I walked down Queen Street, Toronto, freezing!

Forgiven,
Rushell Rousseau