Girl, laugh! One on being true to yourself

I wrote this, because that girl was being true to herself. Something that everyone tells you to do but I promise you, it’s easier to move a mountain than to be true to yourself.


For A While Now


F O  R    A    W H I L E   N O W

Every thing that is going on, has been going on. Nothing is new, things have grown, shrunk, transformed; still the same things.

I haven’t posted anything on this blog for a while now.

I’ve been back in Trinidad for a while now.

I’ve been watching my plans for the future come to fruition for a while now.

I’ve been heart broken over relationships that ended abruptly, for a while now.

People around me have been dying for a while now.

I’ve been wondering about life for a while now.

I’ve been trying to find a job & make money for a while now.

I have not enjoyed the rainy season for a while now.

I have been constantly tired for a while now.

I have been mulling over which path to choose for a while now.

I think about you daily for a while now.

You‘ve been an extra reason to smile for a while now.

I’ve been missing sailing for a while now.

I’ve been looking forward to migrating from Trinidad for a while now.

I’ve been considering anti depressants for a while now.

I have been wanting to write something, anything, on this blog for a while now.

Nothing new, still the same things.

Stay in, stay caring,

Returning To Trinidad After 8 Months- 5 Things I’m Looking Forward To & 5 That I’m Not

Well, folks, somehow eight months have passed by. Eight months and five days to be exact. Two hundred and fourty-seven mornings have gone by. Two hundred and forty-seven sunsets.

Some days were warm, others were not. Some days I wore boots, others flip flops. Some days were blue, others were grey. Some days I was happy, some days I dismayed.

I’ve been here in Montreal for the majority of this time. In addition, I’ve gone out to Rigaud, QC, for sheep-shearing and maple extracting. I spent Christmas in Toronto, ON with my grandmother and aunts. That trip was in the middle of two other trips to Aven’s family cottage; one for the Winter solstice, and the other for New Years, in the Laurentides, QC.

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Lac McDonald in the Laurentides on New Years Day 2017

After Easter, I went back out to the cottage, surprised to see how different it looked without snow.


At the same lake, only it is no longer frozen!



When I was leaving Trinidad on September 1st, 2016, I was extremely happy to be escaping for at least eight months but I was also stressed out to be leaving my family in an uncertain time. I cried quite a bit. Yet, when my second plane for that day, banked and turned over Montreal, giving me a view of Mont Royal, an ocean of good vibes washed over me. Immediately I knew in my gut that I was going to be okay. I knew that this was going to be an entirely fulfilling experience.

Boy! Oh boy! Was I correct. 

Now, the time has come to an end and it hurts to leave.
What I found in this city, is better than gold.


There are many things that I am not looking forward to returning to and some things that I am.
Things that Rushell is looking forward to in Trinidad:

1. Spending time physically with my family. Just us being in the same space together. Having evenings on the boat or mornings at home where everyone is doing their own thing and the house is alive. It never ceases to amuse me how we fall back into rhythms and it seems as if whoever was gone never left. (I would like to change some rhythms though!)

2. Sailing! It has been so long since I’ve gone sailing. I think this is the longest that I have not sailed since 2008.  If things go certain ways, I just may be sailing very, very frequently come July.

3. Beach days out in the sun. I’m looking forward to feeling the sand under my feet and early morning drives along the North Coast Road to Las Cuevas. More weekends in Tobago are on my agenda.

4. NOT FREEZING! This wasn’t higher up on the list because being cold is almost comfortable- you can always put on more clothes. Unless of course you’re already waiting at the bus stop and it is 3:30 am, you’ve taken the wrong bus initially and you’re waiting for a bus that was supposed to arrive 23 minutes ago. In these instances, you’re just going to be uncomfortable and freeze. You can’t put on more clothes now. You should have thought of that six hours ago when you thought -12 was warm enough.

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5. So, when I first wrote this list, it was on my phone in the notes application and I wrote something under number 5 but auto-correct has made it indistinguishable. So I’m thinking of something else that I’m looking forward to. I think it would be driving although I really enjoy taking public transportation.

Five things I am not looking forward to:

1. The inevitable anxiety that I feel continuously when in Trinidad.

2. small nation; BIG problems -government systems, politics, corruption, crime. Unfortunately, these faulty systems have impacted me in a hugely negative way.

3. Traffic in Port-of-Spain- Wrightson Road to be exact. I have to meditate to get through this traffic on my way to UWI.

4. Paying Bmobile’s fees for data.

5. Lack of community. What made Montreal so special for me was the community of people that I found there. We were able to connect in ways that I’ve always wanted to connect to other people in. At home, the conversations that I really want to have- Goddamit I don’t give a flying fruitcake about who put on weight and looks weird because her bath suit was too small- are so rare and in between here. There are projects that I want to work on but I haven’t met the right people here who are interested in working on them with me.

There ya go!

That’s what’s floating through, some weighing heavily on, my heart right now.

Stay adventurous, stay in!